Who the Hell is Scuba Christ?

13

So you’ve made your way this far because you want to know who I am. You’ve probably met me, got confused, then either shot me in the face or buggered off. Whatever you choose to do is your prerogative. Although if you do get to know me then you’ll probably grow to be intensely indifferent towards me.

So let me start from the start. My name is Iwana Controri, I’m half Russian, half Italian, and half Welsh. Yes I know that’s three halves, but that’s just how I roll.

My childhood wasn’t easy. I was abandoned at an early age by my Afro Caribbean parents (presumably because I kept accidentally blowing them up) and was left begging for scraps of food on the dark and dirty streets of Liberty City. It was really tough at the start as I only spoke Welsh and could not for the life of me understand why I kept getting so much heat from the cops. I later found out that dealing Meth to other toddlers was a bit of a no go area in this town.

I then met a working girl named Fifi Lovelace who pitied my downtrodden existence and took me under her wing. She was kind and loving and brought me up as her own. Fifi who I will now and forever more refer to as my Mom, taught me how to speak good England and as any decent mother should do, the tricks of the trade. This was to prove vital in later life.

Mom wanted a better life for me and she literally worked her ass off to put me through drama school as she wanted me to one day become a Vinewood movie star. Although I graduated with flying colours finding work as an actress in this town proved hard. I ended up plying my skills for seedy low rent VHS tapes which I’m not proud of although they did great sales due to my jaw dropping good looks!

Lydia Does Lez Santos 9. The set looks vaguely similar to my new pad

Lydia Does Lez Santos 9 sold more copies than Turner & Hooch did that year

It was during this time that I met the Salvatore Leonne family who I began to work for. Sal as I called him was good to me. He gave me all kinds of jobs and the pay was quite lucrative.

I started working on offshore salvage heists for the Family along the coast, reaching as far as Vice City which is where I got the handle “The Scuba Christ” as I was renowned for being the Messiah of all sub aquatic operations. I once tried to capitalise on this by starting a religious cult called Christianity but it didn’t work out due to copyright issues.

I made good money working for the Family until tragedy struck and Sal was assassinated by some mute bloke named Claude. Fearing the same might happen to me I fled from Liberty City to the warmer climes of Vice City where through the proceeds of my endeavours I was able to set up a string of strip joints and also become a Madam for certain upmarket establishments who will remain nameless for legal reasons. The river of money kept flooding in and life for a short while was good to me.

Then further tragedy struck, I got wind of the terrible news that Mom had been murdered. Apparently it was by some dickhead in a tank! So I flew back to Liberty City to seek my revenge. When I eventually found the culprit I sliced him from head to gonads with my trusty rusty chainsaw (which I miss btw, come on R* give us the patch we deserve)
From then on I vowed to follow the dream that Mom always wished for me and made the move to Los Santos to begin living the American Dream!

The only pic I have of me and Mom together (sobs)

The only pic I have of me and Mom together (sobs)

The streets really were paved with gold, at least for a short while. After starting small by making various commercials for Sprunk and Redwood Cigarettes I got discovered by a Producer named Michael De Santa, who cast me in numerous big budget productions for Vinewood Hills Movie Studios. I was a critically acclaimed star of both Film and TV and won countless gongs for my performances.

Here's me and my good friend Molly arriving at the premier of of my latest opus Guns & Titties 5

Here’s me and my friend Molly arriving at the premier of my latest opus Guns & Titties 5 HELLO MOLLY. Sorry you have to shout she’s a bit deaf, poor dear!

And here's me playing Walter White in the hit TV series Breaking Bad

And here’s me playing Walter White (Heisenberg) in the hit TV series Breaking Bad

However I made some bad financial choices, I’d bought a mansion in Rockford Hills and had a garage full of some very tasty vehicles. Everything was going swimmingly I thought until one day the knock came on the door and I was served with an eviction notice by a very abrupt young man. I had been literally fleeced by my credit card company Fleeca and was left virtually bankrupt.

The movie deals as well had all dried up as everyone had stopped going to the flicks and preferred staying at home playing something called Righteous Slaughter on their oversized tellies!

How I miss the dear old manor. Think what marvelous parties all the girls could have here

How I miss the dear old manor. Think what marvellous parties all the girls could have here. Damn you Fleeca!

I took what little I had left and went back to trading in the industry I knew best and opened up a little strip joint just off from Grove Street that I named Vanilla Unicorn. All the girls that were on my books adored me as I had no issue of them making a bit on the side by taking a client home with them. This paid its way for a while until the club got forcefully taken out of my hands in a very hostile takeover bid by some 2 bit nobody called Trevor Phillips.

Gareth has such perky cheeks don't you think?

Gareth has such perky cheeks don’t you think?

I took what girls that were still loyal to me and fled to a farm in Grapeseed where my girl Infernus’s folks lived. However this didn’t work out. I knew as much about farming as Lester does about callanetics.

Poor Christi was just not built for ploughing, well at least not in the agricultural sense

Poor Christi was just not built for ploughing, well at least not in the agricultural sense

So I moved back to the city and started doing some jobs for Martin Madrazo alongside some girls from a little known crew called The Mean Girls. Nice ladies but they lacked enthusiasm when it came to all matters BMX, Fire trucks, and cow tipping.

Here's me on the job with Edith. Nice girl but dreadful halitosis

Here’s me on the job with one of the Mean Girls, Edith. Nice girl, dreadful halitosis.

Although this was paying the bills and got me a nice little apartment in Morningwood, life was still proving tricky. Every time I went to get my hair done, buy a blouse or get a new tattoo then some idiot in a chimp mask would either take shots at me or blow up my nice new Entity XF…..TWATS!!!

Then I happened across a group of girls who made me re-think my whole philosophy on life. They went by the name Pussi Riot and for the first time in ages I felt safe and wanted. They showed me that life is about more than work, work, work. That life can be fun.

Look its me and the girls cruising with style pop pop pop

Look its me and the girls cruising with style – woo woo pop pop pop!!!

Backof the leader welcomed me to the Riot with open arms (although I must say dear a tarts shower with Lynx Africa is never enough to get rid of the pong after you’ve been doing all those ruddy Death Matches).

Then there’s the lovely Blondie who has recently changed her name to Bondi to get in line with the franchise she’s just opened. She now runs a chain of James Bond merchandise stores named Bond R Us. Yet she still has time to organise the riot and be everyone’s friend.

Then there’s the legend that is Randy. God only knows who or what made her the way she is, but I’m damn glad they did. They say she knows the way to a mans heart…….straight through the Kevlar with an Assault SMG.

I have to give a big shout out to Molly, obviously for the reasons I mentioned earlier – IT’S THREE O CLOCK DEAR…YES  – TIME TO TAKE YOUR PILLS DEAR!

Also I have to give a special mention to my friend Sam Vercetti, when she’s not busy splitting boy penis with her chainsaw (where did you get it from Sam?) she’s been helping me re-start my movie career by casting me in her little Indy movies. It may or may not come to anything big, but as she keeps telling me “It’s about zee Art not zee celebrity!”

That's me on the right in a still from Sam's latest project BMX Banditos.

That’s me and thingy (Sorry I’ve forgotten your name dear) from Sam’s latest project BMX Banditos. Oh I’m the one on the right in the “Skate?” gear.

I think my main skills are racing and flying although I do need to know where I’m going first as I have a tendency to get lost otherwise. I keep getting asked to these Team Deathmatch things but I don’t see the point in just saying hello then getting shot in the face over and over. Still a girls gotta learn the ropes somehow to survive in this God forsaken city,

Well I guess that’s pretty much me in a nutshell. So if your in the area please don’t hesitate to stop by for a glass of of wine or green shit if you prefer. Ta ta for now.

LifeInvaderLogoCropped100

  • Name: Just call me Scuba, everyone else does.
  • Birthday: Once a year.
  • Relationship Status: It’s complicated.
  • Sex: It’s a means to an end.
  • Interested in: Myself mostly, who isn’t?
  • Religious Views: Well I am the sub-aquatic messiah after all, although I wouldn’t say I’m strictly religious I just like to make money from the gullible fools who believe in all that nonsense
  • Political Views: Well UKIP obviously who isn’t these days! Nigel Farage is a dear old friend of mine, he was always a regular at the unicorn back in the day.
  • About: I can’t sit in any vehicle without spontaneously exploding unless the radio is tuned to the Mexican Station, and I only ever listen to Hardcore Techno! I like to ride BMX’s in Flappy Dresses and heels. I love playing a round of golf in my stockings and suspenders. My love of Firetrucks is getting worryingly obsessive for a girl of my age. I like to go cow tipping on Sundays in my golf cart. Oh and I speak dead posh like!
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6 thoughts on “Who the Hell is Scuba Christ?

  1. Great bio Scuba. Well writed and very funny. In some way, we are similar… you’ll see when i’ll post mine.
    By the way, be careful, Sam is a bad person who want you play in her movie for free… I know that, it’s someone of my family, Vercetti family 🙂 We alway do that..
    One more thing, the person with you on the “BMX banditos” picture is Stardust !

    • Thanks Kati, I loved your bio too. It’s great how so many of us in this crew are on the same wavelength. Im aware of Sammy’s reputation and that of most of the Vercettis from my days down Ocean Boulevard as a Madam in Vice City, when Tony used to come in drunk and harass all my girls. I guess you must be the exception to the rule? Tell me as I’m not clear is Tony your’s and Sammy’s farther or uncle? I actually now don’t mind acting for free in her movie as it’s the exposure I need right now, then the big bucks will follow I hope. Anyway thanks for your concern and I look forward to working on a job with you real soon. Lots of love Scuba x 😀

  2. Wow, loved it Suba! Thanks for you giving us the honest truth on how you became so awesome. Also, thanks for entertaining me 🙂

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