Pimped out rides – The Beast

beasty beach

This is my beasty. It’s not a cool beast or even a fast beast… but it is MY beast.

She’s a Vapid Dominator and we go waaaay back. Back to the days, when I was a lowly street urchin staying alive by robbing cars, holding up liquor stores and selling knocked off sunglasses out of a leopard print suitcase.

Now, on one particularly uneventful day I was strutting past Ponsonbys eating an ice cream, when I saw a brand new line of killer heels through the window. After shrieking like an over excited schoolgirl being chased by a chainsaw wielding nun, I saw the price tag dangling from it. My heart sank and as I weighed up the pros and cons of doing a smash and grab on them, I figured I’d be a good citizen and actually pay for them with non-counterfeit money (which admittedly would be obtained from criminal activities).

I wandered about the shopping district, looking for a car to ‘borrow indefinitely’ and came across a freshly waxed SUV. It was parked outside a grotty little shop with blacked out windows and several of Scuba Christ’s early ‘films’ in the bargain bin outside. Checking no-one was about, I helped myself to it and sped off to Los Santos customs around the corner, where I managed to trade it in for just shy of the shoes asking price!

It was as I wandered back outside, thumbing the used bills that I first laid eyes on her. It was true love. Parked against the wall outside was a gorgeous Vapid Dominator, its engine ticking over like the purr of an asthmatic cat. The door was open, the keys were in the ignition and yet the owner was nowhere in sight. It was like it had been left there by some divine otherworldly being and this was an act of fate…then I spied the ‘soon to be previous owner’ of the car, urinating behind a bin nearby.

It was too late, my heart was hers. I leapt behind the wheel and sped off even before they’d noticed it was gone, clipping the wall and several other cars en route back home. The rest as they say is history. We now do everything together, go everywhere together. We’re inseparable…except when I go inside my apartment obviously, as it won’t fit through the hallway!

Beast pool

Now, I know next to nothing about cars. I know how to make it go, make it stop and what to feed it. However, my mechanic ‘Big Ron’ (son of Little Ron and Big Shirley) wrote down all the tech information for me to relay to you. So let me read it back to you…

“So Blondie, here’s that stuff you asked for. Hope it’s what you wanted?

For the record I don’t think it’s weird at all that you know nothing about cars. I think it’s kinda cute…just like you. You’re like this fluffy duckling I want to scoop up in my hands and hand rear to adulthood.

Every time I bring your car to you, I can smell you on the seat leather and I often pretend I’m you because it makes me feel warm and kinda nice. There was this one time, when I actually dressed like you and drove the car out to the beach…

Anywho…right…the car…

It has a 60% armour upgrade on it, street brakes, window vents, a custom splitter bumper, a level 2 EMS upgrade engine tune, custom grill, titanium exhaust, xenon lights, rear roof louvers, custom skirts, ducktail spoiler, sport suspension, sports transmission, a turbo and limo tint windows!

So…you know you pay me right? Well I’d quite happily take payment ‘in kind’ you know. A kiss? A lock of hair? Your used underwear…”

Ewwwwwwwwwww! That’s disgusting…who would want any of my hair?


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