Tappeto Profondo Rosso (A Deep Red Carpet)

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If you happened to be anywhere near The Oriental Cinema on Vinewood Boulevard on Sunday night, you may have heard quite a lot of noise coming from Los Santos’s premier premiere location.
Some was from the fans, there to see director Scuba C Vercetti and stars like Blondarus (who plays Bondarus in the film) and GAGAgolightly (DjangDango), but a lot of it was from the Pussi Riot Vehicles tearing round the block, revving their engines and blowing out huge billowing clouds of multi coloured smoke from their cyclonic tyres.

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Spinning out the clouds of chaos. Pussi Riot announce they’re arrival on Vinewood Boulevard

The throng had amassed for the great reveal of the long awaited Pussi Riot Productions inaugural feature – Ready Aim Fire.  As always the Los Santos media had swept in to get the scoop on the Riot gals who were out in style wearing outfits designed exclusively for them by power-house fashion outfitters Suburban & Posenbys. But this was a premiere with a difference, this wasn’t a party for yet another mind numbing pulp flick churned out by Vinewood Studios. No! this was a party for a mind altering flick churned out by one of Los Santos’s most violent and feared crews. The gang who the Russian Federation call киска бунт but to the rest of the world are known simply as Pussi Riot! surely nothing could go wrong – could it?

Cating director Molly Maureen Hollywell aka Muhmuhhuh

Casting director Molly Maureen Hollywell aka Muhmuhhuh

Our inside informant was able to give this reporter the exclusive inside story on exactly what happened that evening. It was tense from the very beginning, Scuba C Vercetti had fallen out with casting director, Molly Hollywell over a costume clash. Vercetti was furious at Holywell and had threatened to have her removed from all production credits. However the budding auteur was forced to cave in when Hollywell stated she would use her influence with Fleeca to foreclose on all of the production’s box office takings.

Furious, director Scuba C Vercetti sulks over last second costume contingency

No red dress for Scuba! – Director Vercetti sulks over outfit debacle

The atmosphere continued to be tense when the limos that were ordered arrived over an hour late to courier the party to their downtown destination. Then to make matters worse upon arrival the film crew discovered to their horror that the red carpet had not been laid down before them! Vercetti went ballistic blaming everyone from Bruce Spade to Rockstar for the insult, and nearly called off the entire evening. Stunt coordinator – StardustXO had to calm her down by quickly plying the young(ish) auteur with dozens of bottles of Pisswasser before she noticed that the champagne hadn’t arrived either.

"Where's the fucking crimson rug you bastards? Fuck Vinewood Fuck Rockstar and Fuck you Brucey!!!"

Pussi Riot stunned over missing red carpet

Once inside the auditorium spirits started to raise as the lights went down and the Pussi Riot logo splashed across the silver screen. The audience were treated to literally minutes of non stop explosive action and left the auditorium feeling energised and gleeful – actress, author and script editor Blondie Blondarus was quoted as saying “It was like having my life flash before my eyes without dying for a change”  However the good mood did not last once everyone had moved on to the walking buffet in the foyer. Head of catering  – Boyblue had called in ill that evening, and the staff he had left in charge had failed to deliver. There was no caviar, no champagne, no cold meats, or any cheesy dip in sight. All that was on offer was a dozen or so snack sized sausage rolls, a plate of tuna sandwiches, some mini Chicken Kiev’s and a huge mound of cheese straws that Chocolate_Vegitto thought would be funny to insert into every orifice. Then the proverbial shit really did hit the fan when Hugo Arauz came back from the toilet “WHERE’S THE FUCKING PIZZA??!!??!!” bellowed the irate visual effects editor. That was the final straw for Pussi Riot “LETS TURN THIS FUCKING CARPET RED!!!” screamed production designer YouCant_STOP_me

The Riot gals show Vinewood their true feelings

The angry yet glamorous mob spilled out onto the streets. Vercetti herself decided to take the lead and vent her frustrations on the Vinewood Tour bus. For the rest of the crew this was to only be the beginning of their tirade of terror with upcoming starlets GAGAgolightly and Kristaytay bringing their tanks to the party.  Vercetti herself however was ready to call it a night as the dream premiere she had always wished for had turned into a living nightmare because as always the local law enforcement officers of the LSPD had turned up to give their OTT view on ensuing proceedings. Rather than make the headlines for dying at her own premiere the film maker decided to call on her close friend and bodyguard Babywabba1 to come and pick her up. This however was not the end of the story as a number of eye witnesses spotted Wabba1 arrive stoned out of her mind in a stretch limo with no tyres. Wabba1 was also reported to be less than pleased at having missed the buffet and attempted to take a bite out of Chocolate_Vegitto to make up for it. The ravenous girl had to be literally prised off the distraught Vegitto and was dragged away kicking and screaming by Blondarus and StardustXO. Vercetti eventually made her escape when Molly Hollywell by way of an apology turned up in a hearse and carted her away for a round of golf.

muhmu golf

Muhmuhhuh to the rescue with a grim golfing getaway

The Pussi Riot movie Ready Aim Fire will be coming soon to a screen near you. Or you could just watch it right now on The Official Pussi Riot Productions YouTube Channel if you click on this link ;-P https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCpCWrMbwE-QLzYMugF2FOGw

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