Well good evening everybody, well it may not be evening when you read this, or indeed if you are from elsewhere in the world, but I digress. It is time once again for me to have a rant and this one gets my dander up more than anything (well except the previous 3 moans of course…). Lets just say a few things are…getting in my way.
As you know from previous blog posts I am partial to a little bit of racing. Nothing major, I am neither great not terrible, I am just your average racer. But as you all know in Pussi Riot we can become very competetive. This is all well and good.
However there are certain instances where I think the Gods have come to test me. An these are not just your normal Gods filled with wrath and shooting lightning bolts from their fingers, oh no, I can cope with that kind of thing. These are the Gods of STUPID FAT THINGS.
Now before you are all sat at your PC’s in your identkit heist rooms that we all seem to have, fear not, I don’t mean you! You are not fat at all. Stupid possibly, but not fat. So before you all choke on your Burger shot burgers or thrown down you can of eCola in disgust let me explain myself….
Picture the scene. Its time to race. Sam Vercetti has arranged for us to spend the evening racing around the streets of Los Santos. I suggested going bowling but whatever, but if I am racing then I am racing to bloody well win! If I lose thats OK but I will give it my best shot. Anyway we are on lap 5 of a gruelling race…
This race is horrible! I feel like I have been in second place forever! And typically Sam is in first place! She is always in first place! She is too good!
I act all gracious after a race when i lose to her but in all honesty I just want to kick her bu…ooooh whats happened there??
Zut Alors! I have spun ze car and crashed into le barrier! Non non non! Hoots mon…
(Im sorry, im no good at accents…)
I dont believe it! She has finally spun! Im going to win, I am going to actually beat her! (Apart from the times I bet on her and then she let someone else win which is highly frustrating!!)
I am going to make it, this is the greatest day of my li….
Au Revior loser!! Victoire est…mine again!
Nooooooo! Also ouch! Oh well at least second place will be mine right? It comes right after first! All I need to do is negotiate this final corner, I know there are no trees there so everything will be fine….
Ah das ist gut! I shall stroll to zee second place! Cor blimey guvnor!
(My Dutch isn’t the best either…sorry.)
Grrrrrr! Oh my god! Why are you trying to drive still when I am reversing, STUPID FAT CAR, MOVE!!!
So yeah I hope that explains my moan this week a little bit more. I am sure we all experience it. Or maybe its just me who is unlucky! Every time I need to go somewhere quickly, like say I see Backof setting up an impromptu race on the other side of the map or I see one of our crew in trouble I always try to hightail it over the map only to be hit by a STUPID FAT THING. Usually they are turning into a road that makes zero sense or they just randomly pull out into a lane for no reason.
Its not just when racing etc either. I hate them all the time when I have a vehicle for Simeon. “oooh ill make some money from this car and the guy in Simeons garage in the docks with the weirdly high pitched voice will be so happy.” But nooooo of course not. Ill get to the bridge on the docks and some STUPID FAT CAR will pull out on me for no reason.
Escaping the cops is the exact same way. Oh hey where did that tree come from?? Great i’m wedged in between a STUPID FAT TREE and a STUPID FAT WALL and the cops are shooting at me even though I haven’t done anything! But I am getting flashbacks to past rants now….
Excuse me, my moan is done for this week as I need to go and lie down. Maybe I have whiplash from crashing in to so many STUPID FAT THINGS.
Maybe if I am lucky I will dream of that well built young adonis I saw on Del Perro beach this afternoon…. yes that would be nice….im feeling ver….ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ*
Oh for f*cks sake…. STUPID FAT DREAMS.