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Commissioner Bond wanted to ensure that everyone in Pussi Riot is fully prepared for the Halloween crew party.
Word got out that there was a wuss in our midst in the svelte shape of Grody-to-the-max who’s idea of horror was Scooby Doo (not Scuba Doo) and some dodgy Will Smith song from the 80’s. “This simply will not do” stated the platinum haired commander, Blondie. Contact was made with the crew’s resident gorehounds – Scuba_Christ_Vercetti & Gagagolightly who were tasked to “get her sorted”
Gaga and Scuba immediately sprang into action, checked the GPS where they spotted a solitary pink dot in ‘Passive’ mode shopping for nickers in a downtown Binco outlet.
“To the Batmobile” cried Gaga.
“I haven’t got one” said Scuba “and all my other cars have been written off after Blondie drove them into the Richman Hotel swimming pool” she added.
“What are we gonna then? There’s no room in my Mariachi as its got a guitar in back seat. But we can’t let this shit slide, we’ve got this crew’s badass reputation to uphold” mused the death face Latino.
A flashing light bulb then appeared above Scuba’s head ‘ding’ “I know what we can do, I’ve got contacts over at Pegasus who told me if I ever needed a van for erm uhh…..commercial deliveries, then I could give em a call”
Unfortunately for the pair, Pegasus being Pegasus delivered the Mule to a farm in North Grapeseed which meant the crooked pair had to take the only means of transport they had left at their disposal, BMX’s all the way from Scuba’s Sandy Shores pad to the upper reaches of the map.
“We gonna lose her” panted Gaga upon eventually reaching the Mule
“Don’t worry” smiled the sub aqua messiah, “this is Grody we’re dealing with. She’ll still be riffling through the bargain bin by the time we get there”
Sure enough in the eight hours it took to drive the Mule from one end of the map to tother’, the pink dot on the GPS had not budged an inch.
G and S casually strolled into the cut price garment outlet, stealthily concealing their weapons under their leather jackets and found Miss to-the-max preening next to the changing room mirror
“Oh hi gals” she grinned “I’m trying to sort out my outfit for this Friday’s party and can’t decide betwee…oof…urgh…fudd….pmff”
Gagga had dealt a swift blow to the back of the Dutch princess’s skull knocking her out cold. When she awoke, all she could make out through blurry eyes was the shape of Scuba desperately jumping up and down on the roof of a Mule, while Gaga’s combat pistol barrel was pointed directly at her nose.
“Erm what’s going on? why are you doing this? where are you taking me?…I…I..” whimpered Grody
BOOMSCCREEEAACH – the Mule’s doors swung open and Vercetti jumped down to take position next to Golightly demanding that GTTM get inside.
Grody surrendered to their request and climbed into the back of the truck. The doors were swiftly closed behind her and so began a long, dark and bumpy ride back to Scuba’s shack in Sandy Shores where the blonde commish had arranged to meet them.
Upon arrival the two kidnappers swiftly escorted the girl into Scuba’s dingy hovel through the garage entrance, as they did not wish to alert the suspicion of next door neighbour, Trevor Phillips or indeed any of the other local pond life who may be happening by.
Inside in the midst of the dust, grot and bong smoke stood Blondie, sporting an evil grin that sent shivers down Grody’s back.
“Ahh good work ladies, you have scored some serioulsy big brownie points for this…muhahaha,” chortled the Cornish custodian
“Welcome Grody I understand you wish to attend our Pussi Riot Halloween Extravaganza this Friday yes?”
“Well yes” replied Grody “I’ve been looking forward to it for ages…but..but..What’s that got to do wi…”
“Everything my dear, this has everything to do with why you are here…Tell me Grody – Do you like horror films?”
“Erm Ghostbusters was pretty gnarly” chirps the oblivious youth
Blondie turns to look incredulously at Scuba and Gaga who were sniggering in the corner then swiftly returns to focus her stare directly at Grody
“Ghostbusters is a comedy you fool, I said horror not humour. Slashers, serial killers, blood, guts and gruesomeness – not Bill Murray and belly laughs”
Grody winces in disapproval “Eeew no I don’t like all that gubbins, scary movies make me…well…erm…scared”
“De Pussi Riot is not for de wimps” chimes in Gagga “you need to be tough to deal with what we have in store for you this Friday” adds Scuba
Blondie then extends her right arm and points her index finger at Scubas couch “Sit down there”
Grody’s jaw wobbles “W..Wh..What you gunna do to me?”
“Nothing…” sniffs Blondz with a sneer “well nothing much….apart from make you sit through ten of the most vile, depraved, and downright disgusting movies ever committed to celluloid!”
“You can’t..you you can’t make me” squeals Grody “I’ll tell Backof on you and..and” squirming in fear she scours the room looking for a potential escape route. Then out of the corner of her eye she spots Scuba going into the fridge in the kitchen and pulling out a bottle of Pisswasser.
“Wait one minute, you have BEER!?!?” she exclaims
“Well duh! your in Scuba’s gaff and I’m Scuba” says Scuba “of course there’s f’ekkin beer!!!”
There is a pause, you could hear the Tumble Weeds rolling down the dusty street outside along with the sound of crickets rubbing their wings together to make those noises that crickets do. The near silence seems to go on for an eternity before it gets broken by the sound of….
“WELL WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY SO!!!! WHAT WE WATCHING LADIES???!!!??? THIS IS GONNA BE GNARLY!!!!!!!!!”
“andale andale arriba arriba” is the cry that comes from behind the bathroom door, which is followed swiftly with the sound of the toilet flushing before a crazed looking Gaga comes bursting through, with her nose coated in white residue, which the deadly Latino assumed was cocaína but was in fact baking soda that Scoob uses to brush the teeth of her pet frog – David.
Convinced that she is rushing like a mo-fo on some quality Colombian marching powder, Golightly begins to rant in grim detail about the list of ‘classic’ titles that she had brought to the table for Grody to “enjoy”…………
The Thing. 1982. Directed by Halloween creator John Carpenter.
I had to choose this one because it’s one of my favourite horror movies.
A group of scientists Isolated in Antarctica in a research facility are under attack from an alien life form released from the ice after a long burial. The scientists meet horrific ends on this terrifying battle for survival. The alien can take the form of any living thing from dogs to humans. There are so many gruesome and gory images in this movie. Sure the effects are fairly dated because it came out in 1982, but surprisingly it still has the power to disturb the hell out of you. The gore scenes are good but there are better more gruesome effects out there. I chose this mainly because of the story and atmosphere it creates when your watching. So look it up if your a big Carpenter fan or horror fan and watch with Grody 😉
Suspiria. 1976. Directed by horror master Dario Argento
Suspiria is such a potent mixture of sound and amazing visual effects that you are completely overwhelmed by a nightmare and yet there is a kind of beauty to it. Suspiria is about Suzy, young American ballet student travelling to Germany to study at an exclusive dance school. She soon realises that the school is not what it makes out and strange things start happening, Students go missing and there are weird sounds at night. Suzy finds here self plunged into black magic and murder. The movie is very surreal with its extraordinary fusion of sound and colour filters, and a fantastic imaginative creation of interior space. The murderous gore scenes are visually excellent, from knife piercing scenes to a room covered with barbed wire scene. The soundtrack from Goblin is truly terrifying from start to finish. This movie is a must see Grody so give me that cushion back and enjoy 😉
Dawn of the dead. 1978. Directed by zombie legend George A. Romero
This is one of the first zombie movies I watched as a child and basically gave me nightmares throughout my younger years. Where would you want to be if a zombie invasion happened, a shopping mall of course. Food, guns, and lots of other useful supplies. This is the setting for the The dawn of the dead. Four characters decide to leave the city and head north in a helicopter after the zombie outbreak gets worse. On the trip north, the four discover a mall where they decide to land and try to find some supplies. Instead, they find a place that has everything that they could ever need or want at there fingertips. The only problem is that the mall is infested with zombies. They proceed to block off the mall doors with tractor trailers from outside, and kill off the zombies that are inside until the mall is empty. Dawn of the Dead not only shows us the genius of George Romero, again taking on the role of writer, director, and editor, but it also shows us the genius of one Tom Savini. The make-up and FX work he did for Dawn of the Dead made Savini a household name among fans of horror films and made Romero’s vision come to life. This is a must for any zombie fan and anyone who’s into survival horror like you Grody. 😉
Brain Dead. Aka. Dead Alive. 1993. Directed by (lord of the rings) Peter Jackson
If you like lots of gore, then Braindead if for you Grody 😉
The Human Centipede. 2009. Directed by Tom Six
The movie is about two American girls visiting Germany for the first time, as part of their European trip. Their rental car has a punctured tyre with nowhere else to go, walking through the woods. They find this beautiful house in the distance, asking for help they end up kidnapped by the home owner, a mad surgeon who is specialized in separating Siamese twins. There is also a Asian male held captive In the house. The surgeon has plans for an operation experiment to join the two girls and the male together to create a human centipede. I would say this movie is more sick than horror, as there are not many scares and the thought of someone shitting in your mouth is just sick. The director for this movie is Dutch so this is just the film for you Grody 😉 now open your eyes and enjoy. 😉
“Right interval “coughed Scuba “pass me bong over” Her mates Cheesymittens and AJ had been over earlier that day for a cup of tea n a slice of cake, and as a thankyou for acquiring her a hearse had given Vercetti a nice bag of Grapeseed Diesel Haze that they’d been cultivating. Scuba took a hit then passed it to the left hand side, went over to her VHS cabinet and dug out 5 tapes then stacked em next to the telly ready for round 2 of the mass murder marathon. She turns and grins at Grody devilishly as by now a thick green fog of funky smelling vapour had engulfed the claustrophobic little room “Your gonna love this next one ;)” winked Scuba
Zombie Flesh Eaters (Aka Zombie, Zombi 2, and Woodoo) 1979. Directed by Lucio Fulci
As the title states it’s another Zombie film but what pushes this one to the head of the herd is the sheer scope of imagination and passion that went into it. Sure it was commissioned to make a lot of money for its Italian producers by cashing in on the popularity of Romero’s Dawn of the Dead which it did very successfully especially when the video boom of the early 80’s kicked in, but this film pushed boundaries creatively too!
The film starts off in New York harbor where a couple of police officers are sent to check out an abandoned yacht where they are attacked by a rather large member of the undead who takes a chunk out of both officers before falling overboard. The action then moves on to the Caribbean island of Matul where the main protagonists – a reporter and the daughter of yachts owner are out to investigate the break down of communications between the island and the mainland. Once there they encounter Voodoo, a mad scientist, and hordes of very decrepit looking zombies who have risen from the grave.
ZFE is packed with some of the most memorable scenes that have ever been committed to celluloid which include a shark/zombie underwater wrestling match and the most graphically gruesome eye popping moment of all time. Again like most of Gaga’s choices, this movie has a very memorable and funky soundtrack which should get Grody grooving, which can not be said about the likes of World War Z or any other horror film made after 1990!
Possibly the biggest reason that Scuba has been wishing for Halloween DLC in the hope that it contains a chainsaw like the one she used to play with as a kitten in Vice City. Although this film was made in 1971 this film still packs a considerable punch in edge of the seat scare terms.
It’s basically about a group of teenagers on the road in Texas who stop off at the wrong farm and encounter a family gone awry. Once abattoir workers, the decay of the Southern rural economy has left them unemployed, and the directionless father and sons take to using their butchering skills on passing people. One by one, the kids encounter members of the grisly family and their heavy arsenal of power tools.
Will this movie turn Grody into a chainsaw wielding maniac, or a quivering nervous wreck? Surely there can be no middle ground here!
Evil Dead 1981 Directed by Sam Raimi
This had to be next on the list coz its an absolute blistering rollercoaster ride of terror, extreme gore and dark slapstick comedy. This movie was hacked to bits by the censors when it was first released on video in the UK which kinda sums up how fucked up things were back in the early 80’s as you could go to jail for possessing an uncut copy of this whereas now it gets shown on network TV in all its original gory glory and no one bats an eye lid. Directed on a shoestring budget by young genius director Sam Raimi tells the tale of five friends who travel to a cabin in the woods, where they unknowingly release flesh-possessing demons. Actor Bruce Campbell completely steals the show as Ash our hero and puts in an incredibly energetic and funny performance as he does battle with undead demons. Raimi’s camera work is a treat as well with astounding use of crazy camera angles and dolly shots which really carry this film along at a breakneck speed. If you have never watched Evil Dead before I really recommend you give it a spin.
Ringu Aka Ring 1998 Directed by Hideo Nakata
This one I saved to last as if it doesn’t scare Grody witless then nothing else possibly can when considering where she is and what she’s looking at.
A legend circulates among teenagers that if one watches a certain clip on a cursed video tape at a certain time of the night, the telephone will ring right afterward, and one week later, you will die.
The least gory but possibly the most horrifying out of this list, Ringu is an unpretentious little movie shot in a very understated almost documentary style but it knows exactly what it is that we can not put our finger on that horrifies the human mind. It plays on what we know is safe and turns it upside down. The TV is something we all think of as non threatening as an object, it’s in all our homes, and it is exactly this that adds such an overtone of terror to this particular film especially with one iconic scene which I’m not going to describe as it will spoil the surprise if your not familiar with this title. Ringu is a typically Japanese film and should never have been remade by Hollywood but sadly it was and came out as The Ring in 2002. My advice watch the original alone in the dark but make sure you disconnect your phone first 😉
SO HAS THE EVENINGS MENU OF DELIGHTS STRENGTHENED GRODY TO THE MAXIMUM OR HAS SHE BEEN BOOKED INTO PILLBOX HILL MEDICAL CENTRE’S TRAUMA UNIT?
FIND OUT TOMORROW NIGHT AT THE PUSSI RIOT PS3 HALLOWEEN SPECIAL CREW PARTY
MYSTERY PRIZE QUIZ QUESTIONS –
1. Where did Scuba and Gaga find Grody on the map?
2. What is the name of Scuba’s pet frog?
3. Who directed Zombie Flesheaters?
4. What did Scuba say to Pinhead when she met him?
5. What movie franchise is Braindead’s director more famous for making?
Send your answers in a personal message to Scuba_Christ on Rockstar Social Club for a chance to win the mystery prize. The winner and prize will be announced tomorrow evening – Friday October 31st 2014 at 8:25pm precisely on the Pussi Riot Social Club Message Board. Open to all members intending on attending the party apart from the party organizers 😉