As the sage Popeye once said, “I am what I am.”

My story is full of bits that I won’t share due to ‘accessory after the fact’ nonsense, so I’ll try and stick to the highlights. My name is Lisa, I grew up in the Ozarks. Growing up, my only friend was our dog since the neighbors were miles away. I was left to run wild until I was old enough for school. I hated school from the very first day of kindergarten till the day I threw my books in the trash and walked out at 17. Jobs were scarce and college was out. So I joined the army.

My father had taught me to shoot, hunt and fish so the army was easy. I served in the middle east for 6 years till a squabble with some Merryweather security contractors went wrong. Facing 3 counts of murder, I lawyered up and said I would go public. Merryweather already had several pending lawsuits for misconduct. The army gave me a general discharge and dumped me in Iraq. One of my platoon mates said he had a cousin in LS so I made my way there. Lamar picked me up at the airport and made a good impression by handing me a pistol as a welcoming gift. With my tomboy upbringing and years in the military, I am not one to do a lot of sweet talking to get my way. So stripping seemed like a bad move for me. I would rather steal than beg. And that is how I started down this road.

When I got here I saw just how dirty this place really was. The corruption, the greed and ridiculous hypocrisy. And I liked it. There is money for the taking here and even at first, it was a cake walk. But make a lot of noise and someone will notice. It wasn’t long before a simple ride to the auto repair was a 90mph gunfight. I am not an army of one and I knew it. Despite my loner tendencies, I knew I needed a crew. I would see, from time to time, all sorts of exotic sports cars screaming around town. When I actually saw somebody getting out of one, She was beautiful, like a model …with a gun. She killed several punks and few cops, waved to me and left. A quick hack of DMV told me who she was. I texted her and bang, I was in Pussi Riot.

I like certainties. Things you can be sure of. The vagaries of morals and concepts like right & wrong are absurd. A coyote doesn’t think it’s wrong to eat a deer. They just do it. Pussi Riot is the family that has my back and let’s me be what I am. So if you see me and all I do is awkwardly wave, sorry, it’s the best I can do. But know that I love each and every one of you.

My military career was ruined by some a-holes, nothing can change that. Will it make me feel better to destroy their facilities and kill their personnel? I intend to find out.

  • From: Ozarks. That’s close enough
  • Born: Birthdays are for children, I buy my own presents
  • Current location: Behind you with a knife
  • Relationship status: In a love triangle with my rifle and my car
  • Sex: Whatcha got? I’m down, just don’t talk a lot
  • Religion: I don’t know, but certainly not one that considers me property

3 thoughts on “As the sage Popeye once said, “I am what I am.”

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